from now on my penis is your penis
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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