can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
