My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
