By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
