I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
