there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
