Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
