he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
