Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
