i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
