11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
