I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
