Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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