Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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