so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
