I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
