I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize