I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
