I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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