onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
