My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
