i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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