so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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