if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Still dying that you shit outside
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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