Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Green mimosas i think yes
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
