I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
