If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
