why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
