Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
