the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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