I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
