This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
