My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize