Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
