I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
