i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
