i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
