all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
