I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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