in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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