I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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