I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
