I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
