i want to swaddle you in tequila
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What a dumb baby whore.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
