i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
