just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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