I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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