maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
