Betty ford says i'm here all night
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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