The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
