Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
