I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
