I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
