I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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