Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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