I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
