either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
