What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
