Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
